Yoshi vs. Pirates: The Musical!

In this dream, I'm a talented yet undiscovered singer. I'm also a green dinosaur that fires eggs from his bum. So much wish fulfilment happening right here.

It’s opening night for this musical extravaganza. The crowds were being ushered to their seats. But this wasn’t your average theatre stadium. Oh no. This theatre was in the middle of the ocean. Think the Waterworld stunt show, but with a captivated audience.

The seating horseshoed around this floating “stage”: a waterfront dock. This dock was really just a pier with some barrels for decoration. Nothing too fancy. The main attraction was the sizeable pirate ship. It was pretty standard for a pirate ship. My mind must’ve fished it from memories of the Caribbean level in Kingdom Hearts 2. Again, not the impressive thing...

So I’m backstage with the rest of the cast, who are pacing up and down, muttering their lines over and over. Some heavy rope is being wrapped around my arms and legs. See, the plot of this musical is that these swashbuckling tyrants have kidnapped me, Yoshi, and my far superior pirate crew (all humans) are coming to rescue me. I know, it's practically the next Inception. My brain is an unstoppable force of creativity. Look out, Nolan.

Now, in this dream, I don’t look anything like Yoshi. I look like myself. But everyone acts like my portrayal of this famous mascot is brilliantly convincing. Not a single person questions my ability to play the great Yoshi Lastname. Neither do they question how I plan to fire eggs from my bumhole and do that jump-butt-slam thing he does in Super Smash Bros. I bet it's every theatre director's dream to have such a trusting crew.

We row out onto the floating stage. I’m carried onto the pirate ship and set on the floor as the others take their positions. The stadium lights go on, the audience goes wild, and the show begins.

Guns fire in every direction. There are several swordfights going on. It’s a big action set piece. No one’s seen a live show this believably awesome. Once I’m rescued, that’s when the singing begins! I’m cut free and kicking my legs and chucking exploding eggs at the pirates as I belt out my showstopper solo. And somehow, even through this Stitch-on-helium voice Yoshi has, I do quite a magnificent job.

I can’t remember the lyrics exactly, but it was sounded very Gilbert & Sullivan. I’m sure the lyrics went something like: “Never has a battle ever seen such fun / When I throw my eggs down a barrel of a gun / And the cannons cannot take a bite out of my crew / ‘Cos we’re bold and brave and our sins are few!” And as the warfare continues, the actors would chorus: “Pray observe our Captain Yoshi / He fights with speed and grace / When he slays our foes with his dino-toes / The barman cheers and the maidens feint!”

However, I'm not doing a terribly good job at slaying the pirates. My aim is completely off and I have very little control over where I jump and butt-slam. I’m not used to how fast Yoshi moves and how high he can jump. I haven’t had enough practice. When the stage show ends – the pirate ship sinking into the ocean as fireworks explode in the sky – the audience claps, but there’s little cheering. We bow, but there’s no encore applause. Oops.

Afterwards, the director marches straight to me. “What went wrong out there, Yoshi?!”

I explain how I’m not the most comfortable Yoshi-player. (I go Pikachu every time in SSB.) He tells me we have our second performance in just under an hour, and it's up to me to find a solution. I bet every theatre actor dreams of having a director so trusting...

Fast-forward to the opening of our second show. I’m on the deck of the ship, all tied up. The fight begins, my friends board the ship, lots of fighting happens, and I’m cut loose. Now this time, something entirely different happens:

Giant Jumbotron screens emerge from the water, displaying close-up action of the battle. Propellers attached to either side raise them above the stage for the whole audience to see. Then, I whip out a GameCube controller, a virtual Yoshi leaps out of my body, allowing me to control him like you would playing Super Smash Bros.

This Yoshi bounces everywhere, chucking eggs with far more skill than I could manage. It’s all much more exciting and well choreographed. The crowd is loving it! This is all going magnificently—

Oh balls. I forgot to sing.

Look, the audience didn’t notice! But man oh man did my director give me a right chewing out afterwards! He was red in the face. His grand, expensive, on-the-water action-musical... without the music!

The shame! The humiliation! The rest of the cast weren't too pleased with me, either. I pretty much stole the show with my Jumbotrons and Virtual Yoshi. Stole it straight from their hours and hours of singing rehearsal. I’m pleasing with them not to be too mad. There’s always tomorrow night’s performance!

They half-heartedly agree, and everyone starts packing up to go home. But before the stadium shuts down for the night, I take out my GameCube controller once more for a bit of practice. And guess what? I discovered the lock-on button! I get crazy excited about this. I’ll be mowing down those pirates like a pro!

So I’m running the virtual Yoshi through the moves, rehearsing everything for tomorrow, and it takes my mind off how I flubbed up opening night. That’s about when I woke up.

Insight: I chose Performing Broadway Musicals as my elective this year. We have our end-of- semester performance for friends and family this Tuesday night. A friend also just bought that 3DS Super Smash Bros. He raves about it, but I haven’t played SSB since the N64 days, which doesn’t quite explain why my dream chose the GameCube instead. Anyway, at least I know that if I do mess up in the middle of singing Pirates of Penzance, I can make it all better by handing everyone a 3DS and suggesting we all just play some SSB instead.